The (Future) News Report #1.5

written by n0_madz

12 Sep 2022100 EDITIONS

3.33 TEZ

Flamethrower Sales on Fire

ProBurner’s New Residential Flamethrowers A Resounding Success

ProBurner’s line of consumer-grade, residential flamethrowers launched yesterday.

Just in time for the annual sales tax holiday, flamethrowers were flying off the shelf faster than employees could restock them. Pitched as this year’s must-have holiday gift, every USA Inc. household either wants one or already has one.

Designed to encourage controlled burns at the consumer-level, ProBurner hopes that residential homeowners will have the opportunity to burn the surrounding vegetation on their own terms before the forest fires plaguing USA Inc. make it to their doorsteps.

Advocates of residential controlled burns also praise ProBurner’s flamethrowers as an excellent pest control alternative.

ProBurner wants to remind our readers to “Burn, Don’t Get Burned.”

"Fighting The Voices" by @5000SpaceAliens

Major Disruption Along the #2 Corpo Ladder Expressway

Protests Continue to Disrupt Your Daily Commute

USA Inc. Class C employees traveling along the #2 Corpo Ladder Expressway for ground vehicles are advised to find alternative routes as protests by the decentralized nation of Tezos have brought traffic to a standstill.

Deemed to be highly dangerous, protesters are considered Grade A threats to the corporate welfare of USA Inc. and its employees. Any employees caught fraternizing with Tezos protesters will face immediate administrative disciplinary action, interrogation, and at best relegation to a lower employee class.

To better protect their employees, USA Inc. has pushed a software patch to all autonomous ground vehicles. While traveling along the Expressway, doors and windows will not be functional to minimize interaction between the Tezos protesters and any hardworking USA Inc. employees.

Tampering, disabling, or rolling back the software patch will be seen as immediate grounds for relegation and potentially dismissal.

Since only Class C employees utilize ground vehicles as a mode of transportation, other employees’ vehicles have been left unchanged and will continue to have full use of doors and windows.

The Tezos protesters, or the citizens of Tezos as they prefer to be called, continue to voice their dissent against the corporatization of the country formerly known as the United States of America and now known colloquially as USA Inc.

Infamous for breaking down barriers and holding former corporate overlords accountable for their actions, the citizens of Tezos remain the only group opposing the expansionist efforts of USA Inc.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors...
Tired of working for USA, Inc. as another employee? Stop by a virtual location and one of our blockchain specialists will help you mint yourself to the blockchain and market your newly minted self for top offer. For more information, call 1800WEMINTU.
The Museum of Rain invites you and a friend to the grand opening of the flagship location! Free entry for the first 50 employees in line when the doors open. Class A employees are invited to the pre-party free of charge. Attendees are warned that 90% of the rain will be simulated.
Bummed that you missed your chance for a residential flamethrower? Have no fear! ProBurners now offers curbside controlled burns. Call the number below and within minutes a certified ProBurner will show up at your doorstep, flamethrower in hand, ready to get burning.

ARTWORK

"Ad.diction #3" by

"Fighting the Voices" by @5000SpaceAliens

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The (Future) News Report #1.5

Flamethrower Sales on Fire

ProBurner’s New Residential Flamethrowers A Resounding Success

Major Disruption Along the #2 Corpo Ladder Expressway

Protests Continue to Disrupt Your Daily Commute

ARTWORK

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stay ahead with our newsletter

Flamethrower Sales on Fire

ProBurner’s New Residential Flamethrowers A Resounding Success

Major Disruption Along the #2 Corpo Ladder Expressway

Protests Continue to Disrupt Your Daily Commute

ARTWORK