The (Future) News Report #1
written by n0_madz
America Goes Corporate
USA now USA, Inc.
Breaking News: Today, the United States of America filed for incorporation and was subsequently listed on the NYSE under the ticker symbol, USAINC.
As the first developed country to go fully corporate, this move indicates a paradigm shift in the way modern society functions.
Consequently, the concept of “citizen” is no longer in effect. New residents of USAINC are hereon automatically employed as independent contractors under the new board of directors (formerly known as the Senate and the Supreme Court but hereon referred to and abbreviated as the B.O.D.). Current and former residents are grandfathered in as employees of the conglomeration.
Our (future) reporter indicates that there is a help desk hotline with around the clock virtual assistance available if employees need to voice any grievances.
Help Desk Hotline: 1-800-USA-CARES
RoboPets, Inc. Sells Out in Record Time
First Time in History Robotic Pet Industry Outperforms Real Pets
Analysis of the quarterly financials for RoboPets, Inc. – a recent acquisition by the newly corporatized, USA, Inc. – reveals an interesting trend that should give your furry friends, furbabies, and other house pets cause for alarm: for the first time ever, USA, Inc. employees spent more on robotic pets than their real animals.
When surveying assorted employees from the population, we uncovered the following reasons and motivations for making the switch from Fido and Lassie to RoboPet 2000, Dawg of Steel, CyberCat, etc.
“At first, I was hesitant to make the switch,” one employee said, “I thought there was no way a robot could replace the warm, furry feeling that I felt for my labradoodle Princess, but boy was I wrong. After one day of charging Unit #13-2701, which I’ve since nicknamed Princess 2.0, instead of feeding doggie kibble, I can confidently say that I’ll never go back to owning a real animal.”
About making the switch, another employee had this to say, “Not gonna lie about it, I thought there was no way in hell you could get me to replace my best friend with a robot made of plastic bits and metal pieces…but then Spot had to go and make another mess on my brand-new carpet, and I guess you could say I’d had enough! The very next day I took advantage of RoboPets, Inc.’s exchange program and swapped out Spot for my brand new, top-of-the-line K9ller K9 2K and haven’t looked back since. And, since the new software update, my K9ller K9 2K even vacuums the house for me. Thanks again RoboPets, Inc., you’re the best!”
While it may sound like all rainbows (something that used to happen after a weather phenomenon known as “rain” or “precipitation” occurred) and butterflies, there have been reports to the contrary (continued in our next edition).
| And Now A Word From Our Sponsors... |
|---|
| RoboPets, Inc. announces new product line aimed at providing retail-grade home protection to USA, Inc. employees. “Home isn’t home without a fully automated robot pet patrolling the grounds.” |
| If you’re reading this, then you’re early! Preorder your residential flamethrower so you can rest easy at night knowing that you can conduct controlled burns at anytime and on your terms. Burn Sooner, Not Later |
| Remember the smell of rain? Remember dancing in the rain? Want your kids to have those memories, too? Call 1-800-GET-RAIN and we will deliver rain right to your doorstep, umbrellas and ponchos included. |
ARTWORK
"Delusions" by @Paper Buddha
"BALLOON GIRL 005" by @threepanelcrimes